A Fan Letter Never Written

Dear Anna Nicole,

I'm sorry that it took me this long to write you. I am also sorry that it took your tragic death to make me realize how very much I cared about you. I know that we never met or spoke to one another but I have to tell you how much you have impacted my life.

I was not old enough to read Playboy when you were in it and I also was not old enough to learn about you from your Guess Jeans campaign. I first started to take interest in you my senior year in high school when your reality show on E! became popular. My gay best friend Salvatore and I would religiously watch your show and became immediately fascinated by you. You see, I have been overweight my whole life. Most girls that are overweight hide behind baggy clothes and try to hide in the classroom from their peers who will make fun of them. I have met plenty of big girls over the years who have shied away from other people because society was not welcome to them. Because society judged them as unworthy because they were not as physically attractive as the other thin girls. I almost became one of these girls. I never thought that my voice was not worthy enough to be heard but I also never thought that I would be beautiful.

You changed that feeling in me, Anna Nicole. I saw your show on E! and looked at how absolutely beautiful you were. And you were not a size 2 or even a size 10. You knew that you were not as skinny as other models and actresses, but you never thought that you were unworthy of fabulousness. I saw that confidence in you and I began to change my own vision of myself. Instead of seeing all the things that I did not like about myself, I started to realize that I could be beautiful and fabulous in my own skin. You were the first famous person I had EVER seen that was big and beautiful and you made no apologies about the way you looked (Remember your argument on Howard Stern about your weight and how you stood up to him? You took no bullshit and it was awesome!). You inspired me to like myself for the way I was. Before, I had felt silly and fat when I dressed up in the glamorous clothes that I always wanted to wear but never thought I could. You inspired both me and my best friend to put a little Anna Nicole in our lives.

I had always wanted to try out being a blonde and after seeing your show, and after much encouragement from Salvatore, I went to the salon for five hours to became a gorgeous blonde! I would have never done something that daring if it had not been for you. I showed up at school and everyone was shocked by what I had done. And I know it was not a bad shock - I looked DAMN good! For my school's version of the senior prom, I wore a black and white dress that had photographs of Marilyn Monroe all over it. I wore a red sash, red lipstick and red flowers in my hair and I looked beautiful with my blonde hair. I honestly would have never done anything that outrageous if it had not been for you and I am truly grateful for your inspiration.

I know a lot of people have used you for your looks and appearances over the years. You may have thought that your only worth was the way that you looked. I think that is probably why you made such a drastic weight loss. I honestly thought that you were attractive no matter what size you were. I want you to know that it's not just your appearance that made me feel beautiful; it was your whole attitude and perseverance that you had.  No matter what people said about you in the press, you knew that you were beautiful. No matter what people thought about you and your husband Mr. Marshall, you knew the truth and you did not waiver from that truth. You were given some lemons and you made the most fabulously tasting concoction of lemonade. You did not depend on your husband to help you with your career - you did that all by yourself without the help of his money or influence. You were a single mom and you did everything in your power to provide your son Daniel with happiness and security, no matter what the cost it was to you. I have always admired that about you.

Which is why I felt so deeply for you when I heard the news of Daniel's death. Maybe if I had written this letter before then, you would have seen how meaningful and helpful your example has been for others. I do not know if it would have done anything for you but I should have written it anyway and I am sorry that I didn't. From knowing about your struggles and your life, I understood just how much Daniel meant for you. He truly was the love of your life and I hope that you are both together now in Heaven. Your life was marked by tragedy and I wished, wished, wished that you could have risen above that tragedy.

When I called my sister last night to tell her about your death, she said to me, "I don't want to live in a world without Anna Nicole." I couldn't agree with her more. Whether people believe it or not, you have secured a place in our culture. Generations from now, people will still be talking about the fabulous Anna Nicole Smith. When my future daughters realize they have inherited their mother's genes, I will tell them about you and show them that they do not have to succumb to society's rules to be gorgeous and worthwhile. I will show them pictures of you and tell them how much you helped me on my own path.

I hope that you have finally found the peace and sanctuary that you were looking for. I hope that you can read this letter from Heaven and know that your life touched so many others in ways that you may not have thought possible. You were not a perfect person but you had a good heart and your true fans know this. I will always remember you and the gifts that you have given me. You truly helped me to grow into a beautiful and confident woman. You helped me to value myself.

I will always have love for you and I will never forget you.

Love always,
Alison Darling